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Damnation. Sometimes I hate myself. One moment if feels as if everything is finally going the right way, and then the floor drops out from beneath me. I feel like I have yet to hit bottom.
I dunno what I am feeling right now, but yesterday things were great, got to hang out with my mates and play games online, got some new achievements, deviated and watched a movie.
And then late at night it felt as though I got a sucker punch to the gut. I could have been with her. But I didn't, and it's all my own fault, through in action...
I can't believe it's been three years, and I still dunno the strength of these feelings. I pine. I miss it so much. That not being sad when I think.
And then this morning life decides to hit me while I was down, my truck doors are frozen shut. Pure joy here.
At least the repairs are slated at twenty two hundred dollars. Assuming I can get a check, that's a sizable chunk of change, towards something.... Probably a new car or something.
As I said to Cat yesterday night at two am, I dunno about the future, but it's hard for it to be as bleak as yesterday's. Spring break will be nice. Assuming we both make it there with out bloodshed and carnage.
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I'm going to deviate 58 deviations (~1 a week for every week between now and next new years). Some of the images will likely suck, some will be pretty cool if I say so myself. and I likely won't always be on time, some may come super fast and others may stagnate... but I'm gonna draw _something_ for each week for the next long while...
6 done XD (giving me a small buffer).
Some of the images I'm working on right now aren't Deviant Art appropriate; so when I update counts; and its off; that will be why. If you wanna see the non PG13 images let me know...
((The previous was copied from my deviant art journal))
((My art can be seen here; I would greatly appreciate you to take a look and comment...
squee828.deviantart.com ))
- Location:Breckenridge, Co
- Music:Monsters By Matchbook Romance
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Sometime I really don't know. Ideas pour into my head; dreams that can only be half conceptualized; a maze of thoughts.
Oh how we wolves lament our trapped state. We know what we want, but have not a method of how to get it; so we dream out dreams, what if situations, where if only, we could have what we think it is that we want. What do we want? We want peace, stability, adventure. We want freedom. We of them, think that it is our god given right.
But we would wage war, cause uncertainty and act with out thinking to get such 'freedom.'
We all know we want _something_. We don't always know what it is, or how to get it, but we know what we want _ISN'T_ what we have now.
---
I ask myself what is it I want. What is it? Is it love? My silly crush on someone that I can't have that lives to far out of my reach? Is it money? What for? I ask myself what items I need, or want. Yes there are things I'd like, but do I need to have them? I don't know what I want, but I say that I cannot quantify it. So like the other wolves, I dream and loose myself in escaping reality, of avoid the cruel albion of fate, that twists through every day, screaming 'its not fair! I want more out of life' deep down inside.
and so I personally, devote myself to the enhancement of my body while my mind and soul waste away. Teacher would be displeased with this. But I do not know what to do. I would ask guidance, but I feel I have no one to tell.
At least I have SimGiCheHon to focus on, I pray for you my brethren; though you may not know it, as I try not to show it.
- Location:US, Wisconsin, Jefferson, Co Rd B
I keep getting messed up on the timing of breathing and leg motions.
The problem with my progression is genetic. My left side has a stressed iliotibial band; due to the range of motion of the hip is 110 degrees. I should have had a range of 90 degrees.
Teacher says that general strengthening will help the progression of ripple strike; but I'm 'still years away' because I started the breathing training a decade later then the others.
If I can get my sense of balance back I'll be allowed to try again with foot techniques, but even if I never reach that stage; the methodology of Southern Plains is enlightening. I wish so dearly that I could focus only on training. Its really the only relaxing thing... But if only school were not required....
If only my heartbeat would steady.
at least its a reason to wake up every day; the rest of the day how ever.....
It's the look alike moments that get me, those what ifs, out of the corner of my eyes. It turns me around.
Falling into love seems to hurt almost as much as falling out of it.
But clear cold skies ahead. I wish I was somewhere warm. Or far from here, though I only need to wait a few weeks before I'm gone.....
I can't wait to forget. The mountains are good for that.
But hidden messages in omited words. Those secret understandings that you get after the fact.
They hurt.
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- Location:US, Wisconsin, Waukesha, Juniper Ln
These are the boards I'm looking at getting; the first is a RIDE Prophet board. The second is an Endeavor Kale Stephens Series board, and the third is an Endeavor Paavo series board. They are all relatively similar in features; heavy duty; and responsive, and fairly so any similar in price, about 475-500 dollars. Any comments from anyone about the designs?
I wonder where it thinks I am, as I sit here and await the start of physical therapy....
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Ever have one if those dreams where you forget that it's a dream? Because it's either too good or too realistic?
Well I had one of those last night. I almost wish I hadn't woken up. Life was perfect. The old horse, the wild horse and a few others were in it.
The old horse and I were grocery shopping in this quaint little store with the prettiest wood paneling, and who do I see but the wild horse walking by in a tanned jacket. Old horse was busy picking out fruit I think... Possibly vegetables. I think of oranges and bok choy for some reason. I pretended not to notice WH for fear of an encounter? That and I had to remind Oh about a detail about freshness...
But WH noticed us, and turned around after walking by and gave a great big hug, and greeting.
We exited the store up a sunny splotched spiral staircase talking.
WH talked and asked if we wanted to hang out. We said sure.
As were walking down the uni, the grass seemed alive and the weather was reminiscent of spring. The scent of the air was a mix between laundry softener, fresh flowers and a recent but dried rain.
But all good things must end as a black sedan pulled out and four men got out and approached us. We all shared a glance knowing something was wrong, as the suited men put on sunglasses, and their car was parked across the sidewalk.
OH and myself told WH to run. As she turned two more cars pulled up. The streets were empty except for us.
WH ran. Fast. Three of the suited people started to chase after. OH pulled an asp from a pocket and I pulled on my gloves and tossed my canvas jacket to the side.
We advance measuredly. WH yelled to look for the astrolabe. It wasn't a work that wa yelled but more if an image. It was a golden cylinder with curved cross arms. Silver marking covered it. We got the impression that it was in a very old and very high place, atop a rolling hill with a bricked road.
OH and myself had no time to think at the oddity of it for we were engaged in Combat. Punches and kicks were exchanged, and OH's asp was broken across someone face. That man went down with out even a sound. Still.
All but three or four of them were down. One reached into his jacket.
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l never know what to do .
The last 24 hours have been... Interesting. :) saw the most beautiful hawk on the way to class yesterday
[IMG]http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b
I hope that works, I'm using my phone to write this....
But that bird was quite a pleasing sight. A namesake moment... Well a personal namesake moment, not an official one....
The 24 hours after that, though it's still going are interesting.
I went to class, astronomy, and we discussed topics that old horse would have foun interesting had I had a chance to speak with him... Then I went home and there were cookies! That's always pretty cool, even if they for my sisters boy friend to bring for her.
Then there was some gaming, and I read late into the night, which I spent with my dog, who while annoying has his moments...
When I work up the muurim chi paths were... Receptive?... I dunno the right work.... Eum.... Yung cho?.... The spelling on those are likely wrong, I tried writting as they would sound phenetically.
Memo to self to spell check later.
So despite going to bed maybe four hours earlier I feel more rested then I have in months. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I got a few stressers off my back and meditated... Or the ki/chi openings were.... Active? More active? Activating?.... But it was nice.
Currently in art class working with ink washes. I really love to make art. It's so soothing and relaxing. Nice and laid back. I haven't had this much fun sense Mr. K's art class in middle school. Though I never really talked then.
On the subject of art I'm gonna go get my tablet today! Right after class! I can't wait! I'll have to bug Nat about Sai... As I've found tablets are friendlier with that as opposed to the version of Photoshop that I have....
So I that and my plaster carving to look forward too.
I hope it stays as a good day. :)
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The last 24 hours have been... Interesting. :) saw the most beautiful hawk on the way to class yesterday
[IMG]http://i16.photobucket.com/albums/b
I hope that works, I'm using my phone to write this....
But that bird was quite a pleasing sight. A namesake moment... Well a personal namesake moment, not an official one....
The 24 hours after that, though it's still going are interesting.
I went to class, astronomy, and we discussed topics that old horse would have foun interesting had I had a chance to speak with him... Then I went home and there were cookies! That's always pretty cool, even if they for my sisters boy friend to bring for her.
Then there was some gaming, and I read late into the night, which I spent with my dog, who while annoying has his moments...
When I work up the muurim chi paths were... Receptive?... I dunno the right work.... Eum.... Yung cho?.... The spelling on those are likely wrong, I tried writting as they would sound phenetically.
Memo to self to spell check later.
So despite going to bed maybe four hours earlier I feel more rested then I have in months. Maybe that has something to do with the fact that I got a few stressers off my back and meditated... Or the ki/chi openings were.... Active? More active? Activating?.... But it was nice.
Currently in art class working with ink washes. I really love to make art. It's so soothing and relaxing. Nice and laid back. I haven't had this much fun sense Mr. K's art class in middle school. Though I never really talked then.
On the subject of art I'm gonna go get my tablet today! Right after class! I can't wait! I'll have to bug Nat about Sai... As I've found tablets are friendlier with that as opposed to the version of Photoshop that I have....
So I that and my plaster carving to look forward too.
I hope it stays as a good day. :)
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Been sorta nostalgic, as it seems a number of other people have been too.
I'll be the first to admit I've learned a number of things with the passing of the years on the wheel of time. But I miss the old days. Or older.... I miss the irresponsibility of youth, of not having to be serious, of being able to laugh with out being laughed at. I could do with out the sorrow that comes to my heart when I think of things. I know the past wasn't perfect, it was actually sucky. But I know what would happen if I went back, thats worth the pain of living things again. Well of living them again outside of memories, that haunt.
But I have changed; contrary to what I once stated. That hurt. But I've grown up, in a sort of sorts. I'm no less angry then I was then; but I am less free. I lost things and I gained them.
I don't want to be alone anymore, to keep these thoughts outside of my head.
So I do activities to get something different. I never knew how much a false smile could hurt. I've buried my head in fantasies of books and imagination; and I bury my body in music and craft.
So to the piano I go.
I really should post more happy stuff here like I do on my Twitter, well okay some of it's happy and more of it's random and sone of it's angst... But that's what a blog is for... Isn't it?
I had a really wierd dream last night. I dunno I guess I have a bunch of stuff on my mind, what with my parents leaving for Colorado today, the girl I think I like, the girl I thought I liked and my health.
I don't want to have to get physical therapy.... Patellofemoral Stress Syndrome that's an overly complicated name.... Basically translates to fucked up knee or knees. Fun. But I guess I'll go get the therapy anyway. I may be stubborn, but if all goes well in 4-8 months I don't think anything will be wrong with me....
And being healthy physically would rock.... Once that's done I only have a few things tht I'll need to take care of before I'd say I'm ready for the archangel operation... Mostly mundane things like relocating and supplies. There a few more people to brief for the op, but they will have to wait. Hopefully they will have time. If not RMME will need to brief them as it happens.
... The rest of the things I want to say can't be posted here because of some one else where who could see...
But days go on.
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Staring at an illuminous screen, I'm pondering
What am I doing and why am I here?
It's times like these when my future isn't clear
In that place between when you're asleep and awake
The time that you see yourself so hard to take
That sleepless while where it all falls apart
I wonder how in the world did I get this far?
But then I dream that I am who I want to be
That I'm successful and I'm free
Life's no longer a mystery
I'm a hero on the big screen
I'm romantic hopelessly
I'm a soldier, a pioneer
There is no pain
I have no fear
Dreaming while I wake, I am so free
When I rise, I know my fate, and it makes me believe
I'm a poet, a Renaissance man
I'm a lone wolf with a battle plan
I'm never alone when I'm with friends
I can look into my own eyes again
I can throw everything to the wind
Without any worries at all
'cuz when I dream, I fly so high
I know I can never fall
(No worries, no fears, no nightmares, no tears)
But then I dream that I am who I want to be
That I'm successful and I'm free
Life's no longer a mystery
I'm a hero on the big screen
I'm romantic hopelessly
I'm a soldier, a pioneer
There is no pain
I have no fear
----------------------------------
Its a beautiful song. Found here: www.ocremix.org/remix/OCR01205/
Apparently I'm not allowed to call her by name. But tom is. Because that's how they were introduced. WTF? I'm her friend and I can't use her name? That it "bothers her" but a whole bunch of people she doesn't get on with can go right ahead and use it? That's not fair and it bugs me, well that and more the fact a mutual friend had to tell me, that she would complain about it to others, and not mention to me that it bothers her.
What ever, at least I'm not too invested yet.
In other news it's really bloody cold out. Wisconsin needs no seasonal transition period... Summer one day and fall the next. The cold weather makes it a bother to bike to school, well mostly the wind. It's cutting when it's right off of the lake.
Will work on dossier hopefully later.....
I dunno what it is I'm doing....
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The serpent carving goes well. Its something I can do with out thinking, easy to loose time into. But after the time passes there's something that I've wholly made myself sitting there when its done....... Shaping it, smoothing it; carving it, sanding it.... crafting it bit by bit. I've spent hours....
and I wonder why I find tears at times like these, when I don't think I'm sad.
I dunno whats up. down. what ever ways is now.
But things just stay inside my skull. I think that I've forgotten or forgiven, but it just sort of pops back up. Old things; well not always old, come back to the surface of the pond. They disturb my nen pool....
It really hurt to be called a monster, by one of my friends. I thought I was helping people; but apparently that's not whats interpreted. I'll trade any number of animal lives to better human ones. But that's not me. I just take care of the things. I told people things that had me fretched; in confidence; only to have it thrown in my face. It hurts.
but then a lot of things hurt.
Loosing trust and faith is a hard thing to handle; but its a sort of eye opener to see things from the other side of betrayal, of mistakes, of the barbs of words and actions.
that and I miss her. But there are too many her's and too many interests where I only seem to get hurt.
I know thats not the case; as good things come of it; but those are the things I remember. But I don't want to argue. I don't want to fight; at least verbally. Why can't things stay the way they were?
But then again my neurosis are acting up.... where I'll be driving along and have to speak out loud to my self and say "Chill out. Calm the fuck down" over and over and over. But I don't know whats got me fratched and rilled. Just that, something, anything... its all wrong.
But then I think
You're afraid of making mistakes. Don't be.
I know there are spelling issues; and gramar problems, But I don't care. Its just me muttering to myself in Phantom Memories. What was once an insanity requiem has changed a bit. But sometimes I surprise myself. Dreams and reason eh? I didn't remember writing that.
