I'm out in the middle if no where, in the only dark spot in the city that I know. Eventually it won't be dark. But right now before the construction gets here.... It's peaceful. It's where I go to think. At least sometimes.

There was a fire fly. You can see the stars out here. It's beautiful. But I can't seem to take it in.

I don't know what to do anymore... I'm loosing myself, as old horse said, my mind keeps going back to that void, I almost spoke to him about it, I was even outside his work, his bike was there and he was getting off. But I didn't know what to say. How to explain it. I really don't know. So I left.

I did stupid thing till I ended up here. Near my heartbreaks. I said I got over it. But I think I'm just lying to myself. To everyone and myself.

I don't want to go home, the memories. I don't want to go to work, the horrors. I don't want school for te grades. And I don't want to leave because I could loose something....

I just don't know. And it hurts all of me, opening old closed wounds. I think I'm heartbroken.... Hiding in dreams and fantasies. And I miss te dead and those I lost.

I want, but I don't want to loose to gain. So I sit in the middle of no where surrounded by everything. In a beautiful place unable to absorb.

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The song pretty girl by Juno Reactor from the Gods and Monsters album came up today. It's lyrics combined with the vocals make me think a bit. I dunno what I want to do, by my dreams, are like the far shores of the ocean. It's there but I can't sail towards them.

Some time we can't disguise our lives from our selves. And I ask you are you happy? I mean really happy. Think about it.

Why aren't you?

I think I want to be happy. But I don't like change.

So I think I'll write her a letter. Sending it how ever remains to be seen. The closing storing of the songs of time is coming, really what is there to loose?

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It is.

I had a break through last night, about everything, about realizing something I knew already on some lower level.

What I am, what you are, what we will and were being.... It is a logical trap that I'm falling into.

There is a door in ones head, behind which there lies a simple and profound fact. We all, or I assume all have had that inkling if a feeling in the back of our heads of one of those moments, where something happens.
Sometimes it's a moment of thought, sometimes it's a small feeling that something is going on.

Something profoundly different.

---------

But we let the moment, that time we bow think of as then, a ceased to exist moment, something gone. That what we are now in the present will all be.

We all view time as a linear exchange, all of us live 'now' we difine the present future tense.

I struggle as William said to try to communicate the meanings with out cliché and metaphors, but I find my tounge bound if I'm not interacting with others on the same wavelength if the ripple.

We both found that deep down it, the sum of all the parts, existence, everything, could not be defined logically. Nor mathematically, or even spiritually.

It is a sum of all parts and nonparts. Re gestalt of the cognitive state of being. Where everything is as it is, was, will be, and could be.

There is no word for this. This idea, this state, this acceptance, this ... '...'. I have go word for this. It is not in the English language, nor any other language that was is or could be. It is it. The encompassment of the things, the ideas, possibility, of it...

One could say god is it, but it is not god, even a mystery that is the conotation of divine omnipotence is wrong. Because there are meaning that should not be, not yet, could yet. It is.

I Can not fully comprehend 'it', let Alone write it, or explain it to others.

It is more then I am, then I could well be. It is the idea if ideas. But it goes beyond them.

I cannot express my thoughts, as half formed as they are, but those things define my 'present' the possible present, made by the past the future and the possible future.

I pause.

A noise at the back of my head makes me pause.

I try to move closer to 'it'. But it is not I yet. So close, so far. It is.

As I try to define it. It is go longer it. To make a word I have tried to do.

Ohm, it is beyond trying to define as will said, " ".

I start to slip into it to far, a tightness in my chest constructs as I realize that I am, the grain of sand, I am aware of my preath, the feeling if moving blood in my numb limbs, if the flickers of mothion that are fingers, but I am not really paying attention to the words, not to the symbols, not even to the ideas that I am trying to write as fast as I cignize. But I'm breathing. There is a deep feeling in my chest, like if I take even one step right now that I gave gone too far. The moment, I lost a sense of time..... ... I grow afraid of that vastness that it is, that all of this realm, this exhistence, collapses into a infintile more, in a even bigger pattern, but it isn't a pattern, it just is.

I've lost myself. A sifting. I. I. I am, and will be, but it is. It, the word.... A breath. No sound for it. The madness of yniversal order in the chaos.

I'm going to try to breathe and move forward. Really to take a step... But I can't forget it....

I'm mad, insane, free.

He said I couldn't define it, but I had to try. For the ripples to spread.... But I'm lost in the rabbit hole, I see the sky in the lake, or is it the lake in the sky. There I go, I see me. I'm gone and never will be as I was again, but it is as I am, it,I,we, are will be were and shall continue to be, it.

But it is.

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Ever have something you want to say but don't know how to say it? Well I have that alot.... Even right now. Damn

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[...]
[server log in initiated]
username?
[******_]
password?
[***-****-**]

[verification complete{script.loading.bin.highnet.open}]

VII: welcome to highnet. Load zone open.

Hawkely: [@alias.proxy.open set.sum=0]

VII: protocol running. Are you going to use the highnet setting, pick down settings, or are you going to log in to Genesis core?

Hawkely: Initiate [highnet.undernet.terminal.load.zone] run [training.alpha.112]

[set mode lvl.var 1-4 +- 5]
[string.pounce.change connect]

/@set level key sum var.testmode

[time.input? =< 0?]
/4 hours then ping.

[zone rules?]
/basic +2.5 gravity
/psi res =5 +-3
DMG redux -2

[set mod.get.run]

[timer=3:59:59]

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I got hurt in one of my dreams again. Fuck you REM.... And you too auto correct for thinking fuck is duck. I hate you. But yeah, it was another dream about the citidel. I think. I was in down town Chicago or new york, and this was a continuation of another dream. In the previous one a bad guy was trying to destroy me, and this ancient scroll that I had, the blew up my apartment, and the battle raged onto the streets an into stores. It is worth noting that I had most of my psi abilities, but eventually I ran out of ammo (inside a movie rental, that sold clothes too no less,) and I was captured, but I had hid the fuilded container where it wouldn't be found, had it been one one evil and his minions I would have won, but he had _her_ as a hostage. I just couldn't sit by as they tortured and beat her. So I offered a trade her life for the scroll. He agreed, we traded in his lair deep below a giant park. But I was not bound by our deal to mention that I had pit a brick of conic shaped explosive.

As he pulled the scroll lid open the primer went off bashing him backwards and damaging the fondation of the lair. Concrete and steel del upon him, and the scroll was thought lost in the confusion. When we got back I asked her out, and she said yes. And that's where the original dream ended.

Gah, damned interuptions, stupid fire alarm went off, damned 14 flights of stairs down and another 14 up. It's the up ones that get me... >.>

Where was I? oh yes the second dream. Things were normal in the begining, I didn't know it was a continuation of the first which happened some time ago... I was commuting to work in claire, and went about my routine, checked on the animals, and the lab facilities and worked on paper work. (this is somewhat similar to my real job) ... At the and of my work day I slid my jacket on and walked out. I drove home thinking about the beatiful sky. When I reached my place I realized it was a repeat. It was a rebuilt version of the other one. The work room was upgraded, there was an armory and a lab added on, and a back shed was built. I backed my car into the drive next to my neighbors red car. I walked in and asked her how her day was with a kiss, we talked about our days, and then ate a light meal, and then decided to go grocery shopping.

She went in as I parked the car, as I walked to the door across the lot she waved as she headed towards the check out isle. I saw an old aquaintence working the carts and I went to say hi. We talked and then suddenly he broke down crying. "I'm sorry but I had to. Go save her ! They are going to kidnap her" I was greatly confused, and I realized who he meant, I shoved past him and raced into the store, there wasn't many people in there. I searched frantically but she was gone. I shoved my way to the clerck and asked where she went, he didn't know.

In a rage of sorrow and anger I wandered looking for her. I was in a different park when I got their message to check the loopt feed. She was jack'd in, and I raced in the direction, but then I realized I'd never meet them in time so I sprinted back towards my car. At an over pass I saw Nate and the other running, they asked if I needed help, but I just vaulted past. I got to my house after some how loosing my shirt, and sheared my car past the neighbors and a wrench of steel on steel.

As I drive towards the park I slid on my goodie in which I hid my sword in claire. I reached the bottom I'd the knoll and parked the car. I checked re gps again, she was still there. I buckled my sword belt on and pulled a gun belt out of the gun compartment.

With long strides I walked into the den. Everyone in those twisty turny halls that got in my way fell to the fall of metal.

In the central atrium I saw her tied there, unconsious, the Mage was there, and we stood off in the center.

It started as an exchange of bullets. The small steel slugs slid through the air to crash into stone. Shards I'd rock flew through the air mixing with the next bullets. With tandem clicks both our guns emptied. I holstered mine while he dropped his. We both pulled out out melée weapons. Mine was a sword, Annan, and his was an ax. Blood was exchanged.

After some time after which psionics and magic was merged into to martial exchange I fell to the floor exhausted, I'd killed everyone but one.

He kicked me and told me he was dissapointed, where had the strong knight from before gone? lulled into a lax self by a womans flesh and time away from battle? He said he was ashamed he had ever lost to me. I dragged myself back towards the windingpedestal with her on it. With a strained effort I gave her my blade. She cut herslef free. I told her to run. She wouldn't and said what about you? I said I'd make it, I still had a trick up my sleeve. She didn't like it but she ran anyway.

I stood up positioning myself between the enemy and her as she fled. He laughed. What are you you going to do, in armed an exhausted? I breathed in and unzipped my hoody and removed the body armor from underneath. Twenty pounds lighter I stretched my neck. Then I reached down into the metal frame of the armor and uncliped a metal rod from the frame.

I may be tired I said, but while she needs me I will not fall. I chanelled power into the silver cylinder.

There's more to this story/dream, and more detail I'd like to edit in but work is getting too busy for me to finish. Maybe I'll still remember it the next time that I have some free time...

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I'm still kinds worried about her as she hasn't contacted me yet, but fuck it, I'm not going to wait on her, I did that enough in the past. I've got enough on my plate with out adding more to it.

The irony of that like. Hahaha. I need a ducking stiff drink.

Back to tenshiken training I suppose, instead of doing things that I should, but I just don't give a fuck.

I need something .... Different to get me out of this .... Funk.... rut... What ever you want to call it.

Gods every little thing seems to piss me the hell off, including this god forsaken mother fucking auto correct.

I think if something real important happened, I'd snap. God help me till I can leave.

I'm tired of waiting.

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Today I started off the morning working with the chimera strain. How awesome of a name is that? But the day is progressing so slowly. At least the 1145 lecture has free food which is always nice. I dunno if I'll get through the lecture in time to make it to class, and next Friday I have my biomethodology class from the RARC. Duck mates, two weeks till I'm damned free. Halleluja or how ever you spell it.

The fable theme really gets me though. I must have listened to it maybe 50 times already... It really makes me think and get all nostalgic.... This only came up because it came up on shuffle...

Aæthęrįn. I hope that displays right....

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I was speaking to my father this morning over a breakfast of grapefruit before I left for work and him for the other house. I think I'm gonna try to buy a condo building. Not a single condo, but the whole building. At least two units....

I don't have the money right now, and it would be just this side of insanely expensive. At my current wages assuming I get no loans and don't use existing funds I currently have, I could spend the next decade working full time and in a decade having enough to afford it not counting inflation.

But loans, loans make it a whole new ball game.

It's something I can put most of my skills into doing. Besides physicality is always good. I'm good with my hands, I just don't like it...

But funds... I'm gonna buy a power ball ticket after work, my last twenty in cash broken. It's not like I need to carry cash... I think I'm done trying to date for a while. I already like someone I can't have, so I'll spend my energy on making this dream and illusion a reality.

I really could do it... It's doable just very far away. But then so many new possibilities open up...

Money makes the world go around, and if we don't bring it to it's knees, I'll fight for my reality. Every day tooth and nail. While I yet breathe, the dawn of hope and power...

Okay I guess I'm officially rambling at this point... Through the madness comes another idea. I think I'll follow this one and see where it goes. Fuck school, to the dreamscape my brethren shall go.

Cen. Blessings of fire.

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Worries and anxieties are up. The big brother is thinking of leaving it in state hands at the moment to decide quarintining measures for swine flu. The first death out side of Mexico happened yesterday, in the us. Movement restrictions may be put in place.

If were quarentined, which doesn't look like it's spelled right, silly mobile, what will we do? Maybe the beaver dam house would be better, more remote, but then food and supplies become an issue. No wired Internet would suck, but there is wireless availible at least...

I guess I'd read and game and loose contact with people out there...

Madison. Would be a nicer place, with Internet, less stuff to move, but I dunno if my family would go to bd, if one of us were qd'd....
------------------
At least that's only a small issue on my plate these days. Still tired of school. Also still haven't heard from joy. I think I'm gonna say duck it and toss the baked goods. I tried I really did. Maybe something came up. I just wish she would have told me.

Family is still gone, plenty of time to think at least...

Asdfjklh.... So much I want to say but I can't write it correctly. Questions I want to ask. Actions I want to do.

But this will do I guess. Time will tell.

If we're qd'd I wish you all luck.

Hahaha bah.

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When I think back over the last couple days, there's a lot that I should have written here, or somewhere at least. From the almost dying, the fights, or the weather. The dreams are turbulent. I was the war to start. So much on my mind I don't know where to start...

So random order I guess...

Bailey came up to my work again. It was really quite a surprise to see her. She wavesd and smiled. I wish that I could have had a chance to talk to her. I guess even after half a decade she likes me? Oh well maybe I'll see her around.

The quickening of the drums of war has started. I keep my sword with me I'd atleast with in a few hundred feet at all times, laws be damned. When they come, so few will be ready. I pray that his portents are wrong so that many don't need to die. But better to be prepared and look foolish then to die. I don't know if I'll be able to save them all; those that I care about, but I shall do what I can.

For only faith holds back the tides of war. Those with the blood feel it coming. Our blood and iron mixed with passion shall be ready should the time of fighting start.

I pray that they make it through the night that may be.

... Nothing seems important to mention after that... Hold thy head high and face death lest he take you in the back.

I pray that you make it.

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